when will I stop killing myself this way
never sleeping never dreaming
when will I let myself fall apart
but there is no one to catch me there is no one waiting
why do I feel like you are minimizing me
making me smaller
why am I suddenly so afraid
why do I want to be held
who am I kidding
I am not worthy
I am not good
useless trash red raw skin
it is your right your right
not my own
Showing posts with label insomnia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label insomnia. Show all posts
5.08.2018
12.24.2011
Insomnia Part 3
My sleep schedule is completely and utterly fucked up.
Yesterday I slept until 1 pm. I never, ever sleep that late. I felt delirious and scared all day. The night before I had a horrible flashback, one where I basically lost entire control of my body. I was in pain for a good hour after it. Fucking awful. Usually it's just either physical or visual for me, but when it's both at the same time, I feel like I'm drowning. I'm still feeling it.
Now I can't seem to sleep. I'm tired all day, but at night, nothing. I'm wide awake. Scared. Sometimes I listen to music, sometimes I just stare at the ceiling. Try to calm myself down. I know part of it is that I'm somewhere where things happened, but I really wish I could just fucking sleep.
Not going to happen, though.
Yesterday I slept until 1 pm. I never, ever sleep that late. I felt delirious and scared all day. The night before I had a horrible flashback, one where I basically lost entire control of my body. I was in pain for a good hour after it. Fucking awful. Usually it's just either physical or visual for me, but when it's both at the same time, I feel like I'm drowning. I'm still feeling it.
Now I can't seem to sleep. I'm tired all day, but at night, nothing. I'm wide awake. Scared. Sometimes I listen to music, sometimes I just stare at the ceiling. Try to calm myself down. I know part of it is that I'm somewhere where things happened, but I really wish I could just fucking sleep.
Not going to happen, though.
10.24.2011
here in the dark
I take a deep breath and try to control the
ache in my stomach
that deep dark fear
familiar and strange all at once-
I haven't felt this at this time of night in awhile.
Familiar surroundings and familiar pain
I crawl inside myself again
no sleeping tonight
no solace
nothing
there never was any and there will
never be any safety.
I close my eyes and hope it'll be over soon
but the pain just gets worse and worse
I fear the paralysis, I fear the memories of
touch and fear and cold, unfeeling hands
of hate and bruises and tears
of my silent screams and pleading voice that eventually
stopped, since words never matter
I fear everything, I can't control it anymore
just a little girl awake and shaking in the dark
trying so hard not to cry
trying so hard not to breathe
I hold on tight as the images fall
breathing
waiting.
It never ends.
ache in my stomach
that deep dark fear
familiar and strange all at once-
I haven't felt this at this time of night in awhile.
Familiar surroundings and familiar pain
I crawl inside myself again
no sleeping tonight
no solace
nothing
there never was any and there will
never be any safety.
I close my eyes and hope it'll be over soon
but the pain just gets worse and worse
I fear the paralysis, I fear the memories of
touch and fear and cold, unfeeling hands
of hate and bruises and tears
of my silent screams and pleading voice that eventually
stopped, since words never matter
I fear everything, I can't control it anymore
just a little girl awake and shaking in the dark
trying so hard not to cry
trying so hard not to breathe
I hold on tight as the images fall
breathing
waiting.
It never ends.
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