another betrayal

I had my trust violated in a major way yesterday, where someone intruded on what is basically the only safe space I have left. I can't write anymore because of that. I'm sorry, everyone, but I feel like I won't be posting on here for a while, until I can find some sense of safety again.

Healing thoughts to all of you.

just a little reprieve

I'm posting on here because I really just need a break, some alone time so I can cool off.

I've been fighting with everyone around me lately. I hate when that happens, but the people I've been around lately aren't good for me and I know that. There's just nothing I can do to change the situation right now. I've been on guard, which means my temper is short... and the fights just happen, because we've always fought. No one starts the fights, they just happen. I've been so numb lately and the little arguments, the passive-aggressiveness isn't making it any better... but I've just got to put up with it. I always do.

pain

You took things from me I didn't even know I had.

enough

I don't mean to write such horrible shit on here, but the truth is, I don't really have anything positive to say. This isn't here for that. It's supposed to be my space, a space I don't have anywhere else. I can't censor myself, I can't let myself do that again. I've even found journaling more difficult lately, but for some reason I can write on here. I don't understand that. Journaling is much safer to me, but maybe it's because right now even journaling isn't safe, because people can find journals. At least here I don't have to worry about that. But I still can't be entirely open here, where other people can read it. I'm scared to say anything about myself, because that will make me feel so vulnerable.

But the truth is that nothing I ever do will be enough.

surrendering

I need a release
something to let me breathe again
but nothing can stop it
I curl up tighter
trying to hold it all in
hold it all back
or am I protecting myself?
I don't even know anymore.
Trying to so hard not to let it show
until I'm alone, but then
it's more than I can handle
more than anyone could ever handle
so I let it all come crashing down around me
I don't have a choice.
Never did.
I close my eyes and
feel the sharp edges of
being
broken.

the truth about pain

I wish I didn't need to have a blog to put things like this down in writing. I wish I didn't have a story to tell. A long, complicated, awful, painful story that I have barely even begun to let myself acknowledge. But so many of us do. Buried so deep down we can can barely touch it, but it's there. And it'll come back. It always does.

I don't know why I'm here, other than I need somewhere to go when it becomes more than I can handle. When all the walls and masks I've created for myself in order to appear "fine" aren't enough to keep everything back anymore. When I can't hold it in. When I realize that where I've been is all that I am.

Because the truth is, I'm still hurting. And it's not going to stop.

here we go again

words come faster than I can handle
I can't stop the memories
I'm back there
lost
falling hard
caught up in what was
the images are like rain
drowning me
the fear chokes me, my body
tenses with the familiar pain
I can feel the tears being to burn
but no, I can't
I can't do this
I can't, no please don't make me
I don't know who I'm talking to anymore
where I am
just that there's a little girl
I try so hard to shut her up
make her stop screaming
but she won't
because she's
me.

right now

little and hardly here.