once more with feeling

Her vision is clouded blue, fed by bright lights.
She wants to think it moonlight,
but it is only headlights, illuminating her
through the bare windows.

The night settles around her, she hugs her knees to her chest,
breathing deeply. It happens then, like it
was all planned, images overwhelming her.
She clenches her fists tight.

Chaos has overcome her again,
she shivers in the cold, eyes wide open.
Her heart is beating too fast, and
she cannot stop the fear now.

She is wounded, bleeding, captive and
her mind races in the darkness.
She screams in the silence, but she cannot speak
because the words die on her lips.

She remembers, and her body remembers,
revolting against the vile truth and
the touch of cold, unfeeling hands.
She is so vulnerable.

She knows that no one will listen
so she only lets out a whimper
as her world comes
crashing
down.

Pain During Flashbacks

I'm used to having flashbacks. I'm used to body memories. But flashbacks with physical pain during and after is something different.

At the very minimum, my lower back will ache, sometimes for days. At the worst my whole lower body goes numb, and sometimes I'm even unable to move. My body gets heavy and I can't move a muscle, and if I try, I tense up and it hurts and hurts and hurts. I walk around hurting for at least the rest of the day, possibly for days after the flashback. I'm used to feeling tense and sick, but this is pain, too. Sharp stabbing pain in my abdomen. Sometimes so badly I throw up.

Even my body memories aren't usually this bad... I can't handle them combined together. Who am I kidding, I can't handle them separate either, but at least I know what to expect. Flashbacks alone are fucking awful enough, and I have been having horrible ones lately.

With this, it's even worse.

I can sense today is not going to be a good day.

Still not able to sleep. Been tense and uncomfortable all day. Now it's late and I know I should go to bed, but sleep isn't happening.

I wish I could say I'm looking forward to tomorrow (today, technically speaking), but I can't. I know it's going to be a trainwreck. It's always a trainwreck. I actually hate the holidays because what should be a nice, relaxing, even joyful time is always the complete fucking opposite for me.

If anything, it's because Christmas is always fiercely uncomfortable for me, for one basic reason at the very least. I'm Wiccan, yet those around me choose not to recognize my beliefs. I have no problem at all with being a part of Christmas traditions and I do "celebrate" the cultural aspects of Christmas, but I'm not Christian. This does not go over well. At all. There is a point where I do become uncomfortable with some things (such as going to Catholic services), but no one gives a flying fuck about that. Never have, probably never will.

And that's not even getting into half the shit that really terrifies me about this time of year. It doesn't get into really why I can't sleep right now. And it's not just Christmas, it's not just the holidays, it's much more than that. I'm going to be dealing with triggers all day, I can tell.

I have to put on a mask again, though. I always do. I hope you all can at least find some good times.

Insomnia Part 3

My sleep schedule is completely and utterly fucked up.

Yesterday I slept until 1 pm. I never, ever sleep that late. I felt delirious and scared all day. The night before I had a horrible flashback, one where I basically lost entire control of my body. I was in pain for a good hour after it. Fucking awful. Usually it's just either physical or visual for me, but when it's both at the same time, I feel like I'm drowning. I'm still feeling it.

Now I can't seem to sleep. I'm tired all day, but at night, nothing. I'm wide awake. Scared. Sometimes I listen to music, sometimes I just stare at the ceiling. Try to calm myself down. I know part of it is that I'm somewhere where things happened, but I really wish I could just fucking sleep.

Not going to happen, though.

December

I try not to hate everything about this time of year, but I do. There are so many memories of so many things tied up in December and January. I've had horrible, horrible flashbacks lately, ones where my body goes numb or all it does it hurt and hurt and hurt and I can't move.

Everything scares me about this time of year. Even the weather.

Sometimes I don't even know what I'm afraid of, there's so much. Too much.

I'm coming out of a flashback now, I'm shaking so hard. My body hurts. I just want to cry. Doesn't help that I'm staying in a place where things happened.

I hate you, December.

behind my eyes

I'm back there
where it happened
the places where it all happened
I could see him
them
anywhere, at any time
the hurt is so close
I feel it with every breath
it always comes back this time of year.
I hate the holidays
hate the way I have to act like I'm fine
hate the fear
hate the way the weather looks
the cold that reminds me of that night
hate the way I can feel him staring at me.
I know he's still there.
I know that he's safe
he can enjoy himself
no one will doubt him
they never did
he gets happiness
I get a life sentence.
But I pick myself up
dust myself off
every single morning
hide my pain
the way I've always done
no one ever noticed.

No one ever notices.

I will never feel whole.

I have spent all of today feeling sick to my stomach and wanting to cry. I haven't felt like this in a long time. I'm typing now, but I feel words slipping away from me. It's becoming too overwhelming, the numbness has been shattered. I've tried so hard to build up this wall for the last two years and it's crumbling around me. My world is falling down around me again.

I know I'm going to wake up in the morning and feel the same way tomorrow. Day after day.

I'm barely making it.

I'm faking it
until I'm pseudo-making it
from scratch begin again

Here we go again

I can feel it.

I feel like a wall has broken in me somewhere.

Like all these things I've been pushing and pushing and pushing away from myself, trying so hard to hide from, aren't going to be able to be held back anymore.

Like I won't be able to pretend I'm not affected anymore. Like I'm going to start waking up everyday and it will be the first thing I think of, again and again and again. I will walk around and it will hurt and it will be all I can think and feel and breathe. It comes in cycles. And I've been numb for too long.

This could mean one of two things. I could either be posting on here much more often, like I used to blog, or not much at all. I'll see what happens, because right now, I just don't know.

Oh, these little earthquakes. Here we go again.

now and later

because it would change everything

I've been crying all day.

This is so strange to me. I haven't cried, haven't felt in so long. I can't stop. I'm crying over so many things right now.

I just want to feel safe again. That's all I want. I just want to go back to last night and feel safe, I just want some relief. I want someone to tell me that it's okay to cry, that it's okay to be angry. I want someone to understand.

I need to go back there. I know I can't, but I need to.

Tori Amos

Went to see Tori Amos tonight.

All I want to do is go back. It's only one night. I can't do it, can't last without another night. I need another concert, another night of escape. I need another show like that. Another place of safety.

Because I was just sitting there and shaking and was barely present, and then it hit me. I didn't have to be afraid right then, not there. I didn't have to think about him or what he did, what any of them did, I just had to concentrate on the beautiful, amazingly strong woman in front of me. The same one who has gotten me through so much, who was kicking serious ass there on stage. The same one who had been so vulnerable in her music, which had found me when I needed it most. I don't know what I'd do without her, and I mean that.

I don't even have the words to describe what that was like. I cried. For the first time in god knows how long, I really cried. I didn't even care who saw me. I was sobbing uncontrollably at points, shaking and crying and screaming my head off. It was cathartic, and it was safe. I couldn't be hurt there. The real world couldn't touch me. Nothing could. I cried because that's the only place I feel safe enough to feel.

I wish I would have saved my posts from my old blog, from the first time I saw Tori. Because that post would basically apply now, exactly the same. I'm not as effective with words as I was then. But I'm hoping that maybe I can learn to use them again. Maybe I can feel something again.

Like tonight. It was so fast, over so quickly. No one around me really understood. But I needed that.

I know that the depression is going to hit me hard. But for now, I will just feel.

do not move. do not even breathe.

just close your eyes
try not to think
try not to feel
it'll all be over soon
pretend that you're somewhere else
someone else
shut up
I'm not going to hurt you
you little slut
stare up into the
bright quiet darkness
so heavy
can't breathe
sharp pain
no crying, no
but it hurts so much
violence in every inch of you
ripped into a million little pieces
you just wait for it to be over
for him to be finished with you
with your body.

He tells you to get out of the car. Like it was nothing.