on days like these

Everyone gets depressed this time of year, right? When it gets grey and cold and wet outside and the wind is freezing and you just can't see a reason to get up in the morning. It's so easy to play off as just the weather, the season. That's what everyone seems to do.

But it's not that. Not for me. It's something much deeper and darker and more frightening than that. It's memories and feelings and what it feels like to be under his control.

But people never see it. I just get up in the morning, put on my mask of being "okay" and try my hardest. It was different before. Before, at least I had somewhere to go where I could be alone. I could at least have some time to myself. But now I don't. There's always someone there, there's always something that needs my attention. So I push it away as best as I can, hope that it just doesn't come back. But it will. It always does.

I try my hardest but it's never good enough. It will never be good enough.

November

I spent the entire day yesterday thinking about how he gets to have a good Thanksgiving, and not have to worry about wanting to cry all day because the end of November is a fucking scary time. Like I do every Thanksgiving.

I hate the holidays.

you gave him your blood

Everything feels so close right now. This always happens this time of year.
It's heavy on my shoulders
I can feel it in my bones, so dark
a deep ache, a heavy weight
pressing down me
choking me
I close my eyes as I feel the tears build
take a deep breath
but nothing helps.
Nothing makes it go away.
I want to curl up and cry forever
hide from the world
hide from everything
hide from him
he still lives there, I can still see that house
from where I sleep at night
I can still feel him watching me
that look in his eyes
hide from everything I was and am
but I can't.
I can't take back anything
they took from me.

so sick right now

I'm home and feel awful. Whenever this happens, I turn to food. I lose all control and I eat and eat and eat until I want to vomit.

That's how I feel right now. I've been working so hard, and I've just ruined it all with the last few days.

I've eaten my emotions since I was little. No one ever noticed.

I can't control it. I just want it to stop.

sometimes, I don't know why I'm still awake.

In addition to being my usual fucking mess, I'm also stressed as fuck right now. I can't sleep, I can't do anything, I can't write. I'm sad and I'm lost and I just want to never have to get out of bed again.

But I can't do that. I have to get right back up in the morning. Because everything is always okay in the morning.

It has to be.