Nothing matters.

I can't think or feel anything but it.

I've longed for this feeling again for so long, just to feel something real. Just to know I'm still alive.

But I've forgotten how much it hurts. How much it consumes you. What it's like to think about it every second of every day.

I am so exhausted, but there's no respite.

reborn and shivering

I haven't cried this much in so long.

Something in me has broken. A wall, something holding it all back. A part of me is so happy to be free from the numbness. But crying every night is something so painful. I'd forgotten.

Don't know if I'll be around, I'll have to see if the pain silences me or makes me speak more.

Unsure, unconvincing.

Sometimes I wish I didn't delete my old blog.

I wish I would have saved the posts, at least. I don't remember why I was so adamant on getting rid of it. I know there was a reason I wanted it gone, I just can't remember anymore. Now all I want is to be able to look back at read what it was like to actually feel things again. I keep thinking that will help me.

Hello, April.

It's Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Usually I'm hyperaware of everything that happens this month, but not this year. This year I'm just empty. What happened to my emotions? I can't access them. It isn't even that I'm "happy", I'm just empty. Functional, but the only things I can seem to even care about are things that don't matter, or material things. I haven't felt alive in a really long time.

It was so bad I made myself watch a movie I hate with a horrible scene, just to get myself to react. And I didn't. So now I just feel like a liar, because CLEARLY nothing has ever happened to me if nothing makes me freak out anymore.

I also hate the Taylor Swift song "Safe and Sound". Just throwing that out there.