once more with feeling

Her vision is clouded blue, fed by bright lights.
She wants to think it moonlight,
but it is only headlights, illuminating her
through the bare windows.

The night settles around her, she hugs her knees to her chest,
breathing deeply. It happens then, like it
was all planned, images overwhelming her.
She clenches her fists tight.

Chaos has overcome her again,
she shivers in the cold, eyes wide open.
Her heart is beating too fast, and
she cannot stop the fear now.

She is wounded, bleeding, captive and
her mind races in the darkness.
She screams in the silence, but she cannot speak
because the words die on her lips.

She remembers, and her body remembers,
revolting against the vile truth and
the touch of cold, unfeeling hands.
She is so vulnerable.

She knows that no one will listen
so she only lets out a whimper
as her world comes
crashing
down.

Pain During Flashbacks

I'm used to having flashbacks. I'm used to body memories. But flashbacks with physical pain during and after is something different.

At the very minimum, my lower back will ache, sometimes for days. At the worst my whole lower body goes numb, and sometimes I'm even unable to move. My body gets heavy and I can't move a muscle, and if I try, I tense up and it hurts and hurts and hurts. I walk around hurting for at least the rest of the day, possibly for days after the flashback. I'm used to feeling tense and sick, but this is pain, too. Sharp stabbing pain in my abdomen. Sometimes so badly I throw up.

Even my body memories aren't usually this bad... I can't handle them combined together. Who am I kidding, I can't handle them separate either, but at least I know what to expect. Flashbacks alone are fucking awful enough, and I have been having horrible ones lately.

With this, it's even worse.

I can sense today is not going to be a good day.

Still not able to sleep. Been tense and uncomfortable all day. Now it's late and I know I should go to bed, but sleep isn't happening.

I wish I could say I'm looking forward to tomorrow (today, technically speaking), but I can't. I know it's going to be a trainwreck. It's always a trainwreck. I actually hate the holidays because what should be a nice, relaxing, even joyful time is always the complete fucking opposite for me.

If anything, it's because Christmas is always fiercely uncomfortable for me, for one basic reason at the very least. I'm Wiccan, yet those around me choose not to recognize my beliefs. I have no problem at all with being a part of Christmas traditions and I do "celebrate" the cultural aspects of Christmas, but I'm not Christian. This does not go over well. At all. There is a point where I do become uncomfortable with some things (such as going to Catholic services), but no one gives a flying fuck about that. Never have, probably never will.

And that's not even getting into half the shit that really terrifies me about this time of year. It doesn't get into really why I can't sleep right now. And it's not just Christmas, it's not just the holidays, it's much more than that. I'm going to be dealing with triggers all day, I can tell.

I have to put on a mask again, though. I always do. I hope you all can at least find some good times.

Insomnia Part 3

My sleep schedule is completely and utterly fucked up.

Yesterday I slept until 1 pm. I never, ever sleep that late. I felt delirious and scared all day. The night before I had a horrible flashback, one where I basically lost entire control of my body. I was in pain for a good hour after it. Fucking awful. Usually it's just either physical or visual for me, but when it's both at the same time, I feel like I'm drowning. I'm still feeling it.

Now I can't seem to sleep. I'm tired all day, but at night, nothing. I'm wide awake. Scared. Sometimes I listen to music, sometimes I just stare at the ceiling. Try to calm myself down. I know part of it is that I'm somewhere where things happened, but I really wish I could just fucking sleep.

Not going to happen, though.

December

I try not to hate everything about this time of year, but I do. There are so many memories of so many things tied up in December and January. I've had horrible, horrible flashbacks lately, ones where my body goes numb or all it does it hurt and hurt and hurt and I can't move.

Everything scares me about this time of year. Even the weather.

Sometimes I don't even know what I'm afraid of, there's so much. Too much.

I'm coming out of a flashback now, I'm shaking so hard. My body hurts. I just want to cry. Doesn't help that I'm staying in a place where things happened.

I hate you, December.

behind my eyes

I'm back there
where it happened
the places where it all happened
I could see him
them
anywhere, at any time
the hurt is so close
I feel it with every breath
it always comes back this time of year.
I hate the holidays
hate the way I have to act like I'm fine
hate the fear
hate the way the weather looks
the cold that reminds me of that night
hate the way I can feel him staring at me.
I know he's still there.
I know that he's safe
he can enjoy himself
no one will doubt him
they never did
he gets happiness
I get a life sentence.
But I pick myself up
dust myself off
every single morning
hide my pain
the way I've always done
no one ever noticed.

No one ever notices.

I will never feel whole.

I have spent all of today feeling sick to my stomach and wanting to cry. I haven't felt like this in a long time. I'm typing now, but I feel words slipping away from me. It's becoming too overwhelming, the numbness has been shattered. I've tried so hard to build up this wall for the last two years and it's crumbling around me. My world is falling down around me again.

I know I'm going to wake up in the morning and feel the same way tomorrow. Day after day.

I'm barely making it.

I'm faking it
until I'm pseudo-making it
from scratch begin again

Here we go again

I can feel it.

I feel like a wall has broken in me somewhere.

Like all these things I've been pushing and pushing and pushing away from myself, trying so hard to hide from, aren't going to be able to be held back anymore.

Like I won't be able to pretend I'm not affected anymore. Like I'm going to start waking up everyday and it will be the first thing I think of, again and again and again. I will walk around and it will hurt and it will be all I can think and feel and breathe. It comes in cycles. And I've been numb for too long.

This could mean one of two things. I could either be posting on here much more often, like I used to blog, or not much at all. I'll see what happens, because right now, I just don't know.

Oh, these little earthquakes. Here we go again.

now and later

because it would change everything

I've been crying all day.

This is so strange to me. I haven't cried, haven't felt in so long. I can't stop. I'm crying over so many things right now.

I just want to feel safe again. That's all I want. I just want to go back to last night and feel safe, I just want some relief. I want someone to tell me that it's okay to cry, that it's okay to be angry. I want someone to understand.

I need to go back there. I know I can't, but I need to.

Tori Amos

Went to see Tori Amos tonight.

All I want to do is go back. It's only one night. I can't do it, can't last without another night. I need another concert, another night of escape. I need another show like that. Another place of safety.

Because I was just sitting there and shaking and was barely present, and then it hit me. I didn't have to be afraid right then, not there. I didn't have to think about him or what he did, what any of them did, I just had to concentrate on the beautiful, amazingly strong woman in front of me. The same one who has gotten me through so much, who was kicking serious ass there on stage. The same one who had been so vulnerable in her music, which had found me when I needed it most. I don't know what I'd do without her, and I mean that.

I don't even have the words to describe what that was like. I cried. For the first time in god knows how long, I really cried. I didn't even care who saw me. I was sobbing uncontrollably at points, shaking and crying and screaming my head off. It was cathartic, and it was safe. I couldn't be hurt there. The real world couldn't touch me. Nothing could. I cried because that's the only place I feel safe enough to feel.

I wish I would have saved my posts from my old blog, from the first time I saw Tori. Because that post would basically apply now, exactly the same. I'm not as effective with words as I was then. But I'm hoping that maybe I can learn to use them again. Maybe I can feel something again.

Like tonight. It was so fast, over so quickly. No one around me really understood. But I needed that.

I know that the depression is going to hit me hard. But for now, I will just feel.

do not move. do not even breathe.

just close your eyes
try not to think
try not to feel
it'll all be over soon
pretend that you're somewhere else
someone else
shut up
I'm not going to hurt you
you little slut
stare up into the
bright quiet darkness
so heavy
can't breathe
sharp pain
no crying, no
but it hurts so much
violence in every inch of you
ripped into a million little pieces
you just wait for it to be over
for him to be finished with you
with your body.

He tells you to get out of the car. Like it was nothing.

on days like these

Everyone gets depressed this time of year, right? When it gets grey and cold and wet outside and the wind is freezing and you just can't see a reason to get up in the morning. It's so easy to play off as just the weather, the season. That's what everyone seems to do.

But it's not that. Not for me. It's something much deeper and darker and more frightening than that. It's memories and feelings and what it feels like to be under his control.

But people never see it. I just get up in the morning, put on my mask of being "okay" and try my hardest. It was different before. Before, at least I had somewhere to go where I could be alone. I could at least have some time to myself. But now I don't. There's always someone there, there's always something that needs my attention. So I push it away as best as I can, hope that it just doesn't come back. But it will. It always does.

I try my hardest but it's never good enough. It will never be good enough.

November

I spent the entire day yesterday thinking about how he gets to have a good Thanksgiving, and not have to worry about wanting to cry all day because the end of November is a fucking scary time. Like I do every Thanksgiving.

I hate the holidays.

you gave him your blood

Everything feels so close right now. This always happens this time of year.
It's heavy on my shoulders
I can feel it in my bones, so dark
a deep ache, a heavy weight
pressing down me
choking me
I close my eyes as I feel the tears build
take a deep breath
but nothing helps.
Nothing makes it go away.
I want to curl up and cry forever
hide from the world
hide from everything
hide from him
he still lives there, I can still see that house
from where I sleep at night
I can still feel him watching me
that look in his eyes
hide from everything I was and am
but I can't.
I can't take back anything
they took from me.

so sick right now

I'm home and feel awful. Whenever this happens, I turn to food. I lose all control and I eat and eat and eat until I want to vomit.

That's how I feel right now. I've been working so hard, and I've just ruined it all with the last few days.

I've eaten my emotions since I was little. No one ever noticed.

I can't control it. I just want it to stop.

sometimes, I don't know why I'm still awake.

In addition to being my usual fucking mess, I'm also stressed as fuck right now. I can't sleep, I can't do anything, I can't write. I'm sad and I'm lost and I just want to never have to get out of bed again.

But I can't do that. I have to get right back up in the morning. Because everything is always okay in the morning.

It has to be.

and you can't save me now

God, I'm so tired. I never sleep anymore. I don't cry. I haven't been able to cry in so long... I don't feel anything anymore. It's funny, I'm awake as if I'm upset, but I'm just broken and empty.

here in the dark

I take a deep breath and try to control the
ache in my stomach
that deep dark fear
familiar and strange all at once-
I haven't felt this at this time of night in awhile.
Familiar surroundings and familiar pain
I crawl inside myself again
no sleeping tonight
no solace
nothing
there never was any and there will
never be any safety.
I close my eyes and hope it'll be over soon
but the pain just gets worse and worse
I fear the paralysis, I fear the memories of
touch and fear and cold, unfeeling hands
of hate and bruises and tears
of my silent screams and pleading voice that eventually
stopped, since words never matter
I fear everything, I can't control it anymore
just a little girl awake and shaking in the dark
trying so hard not to cry
trying so hard not to breathe
I hold on tight as the images fall
breathing
waiting.
It never ends.

this is why I'm scared right now

I had a body memory/flashback episode last night. One of the worst I've ever had. The scariest part was during it, I was paralyzed, especially from the waist down. I would try to move and nothing would happen, I just tensed tighter and tried to make myself as small as possible.

It hurt so badly. I had a little bit of a flashback but mostly it was just physical. I've never felt that before. I'm scared it will happen again. It was terrifying.

I'm scared it's a sign that there's more to come.

she dreams in red

I close my eyes and try not to remember everything
that was ever done to me
try not to remember what it feels like
but I can't.
It's kinda funny
I don't have emotions anymore
just images
it's strange
like it's happening to someone else
except she's me.
I don't know who she is.

I don't know who I am.

as things go

I've forgotten about writing
about feeling
I've forgotten about much of anything
just breathe in and out
and hunger pangs
I've forgotten everything
how to be a person
who feels emotions
I've forgotten how to write
this blog
my journal
I've forgotten
that I'm alive.

she feels nothing

I just want to slip away
disappear
it's all too much to handle right now
this numbness
this nothingness
it's sad, really, how much I long to be miserable
because if I am miserable
at least I am alive
if I am hurting
at least I am human
if I feeling emotion
at least it is real.
I long to go back to when it
was all I could think about
because at least then I knew who I was. What I was dealing with.

When you're hurting all you want to be is numb.
When you're numb, all you want to be is hurting.

I can still hear you

Take Back the Night

I didn't get there until late. I didn't get much breathing time, but it was so powerful. It's over now. All I want to do is go back. It's all I need, just a few hours of real safety. A few hours of feeling real, feeling emotion. I haven't felt emotion in so long, I'm so dead. It's the only thing that keeps me from being dead. I'd rather be miserable than empty, I'd rather feel anything than nothing.

I don't really have any words right now. But this is kind of what it feels like.

tomorrow

Tomorrow is Take Back The Night. Or, well, today. I haven't slept yet.

I don't know how I'm feeling. I'm just breathing. I'm anxious and excited and hopeful and scared and just hoping that it will be what I need right now, because I need it so badly. I need it so much I could cry. I need that one night of release, that only comes after TBTN. So much.

Me and a Gun

I don't have any words for today. I just have this. It's everything.

it's raining hard outside right now

I wonder what it's like to be okay
just to not have to deal with it
to be happy. Actually happy.
I'll never know.

no sense of safety, nothing
no innocence
I don't have anything anymore
and I'll never get it back

they got nothing and I
get a life sentence
they go free and I
cry myself to sleep at night.

It will never change.

Ani DiFranco

I went to see Ani DiFranco last night. I don't even have any words.

All I know is I need to go back. I don't know what to do now, now that it's over.

Two and a half months until Tori.

she starves

I just want some
control. Just a taste of what
that feels like.
So I stop
eating
again.
Food becomes the enemy
and eat less and less and less
until I can't take it
then it's binge
until I'm sick
then the next day I'm back
to nothing
trying to diet
the healthy way
counting calories
to the precious 1,200
I usually don't make it
800, 600
my body hates it
starvation
but I can't stop it
I've losing weight
I'm loving losing weight
if I start eating more I'll gain it back
but I can't function so I try
to eat enough. Every time I do
it's like I'm failing myself.
Food will always be the
enemy
the source of everything I hate about myself
the things I was told
if I am thin
if I am perfect
maybe I won't be her anymore
so I just remember that nothing tastes as good
as thin feels.

I want to be small.

Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.

Sometimes I sing to myself.

When I'm scared, I sing to myself. It's my defense mechanism, my first response.

I was scared this weekend. Terrified. I had the worst flashback I've had since I had my wisdom teeth removed. I was laying on the floor staring up at the ceiling and sobbing when it was over. And then I started to sing, I was crying and singing and it was the most pathetic shit in the world.

Because that is what I would do. If someone came and hurt me again, I would just lay there. I'd lay there and sing Me and a Gun and cry.

It's all I've ever known.

moving too fast

I have to calm down, I can't do it
I feel like I'm moving too fast
everything is a blur
don't remember what I said or what I heard
the room is too loud and there are too many people
for this little girl
to handle
so I just go go go
and sing to myself
and hope to god I don't start crying.
Too late.
I don't know what just happened
I wasn't feeling anything
and suddenly I can't stop it
the hurting hurting hurting
the fear
I don't know what I'm afraid of
I think it's everything
it's always everything
afraid of where I've been and where I'm going
to go
because I'm just that little girl
who gets fucked a lot
and I don't know who else to be
sometimes I can shut her up
like I've done for the last year and half
but I can't shut her up anymore
she wants/it wants out of me
and it's coming no matter what.
All the memories the tears the fighting
my fears
those times he told me to shut the fuck up
and the times he/they told me I was pretty
perfect
worthless
good for nothing except fucking
good for nothing except raping
over and over and over and over and over and over
again
like a good little girl
I listen to him.

I don't know what to do anymore.

I can't do anything. Can't think. Can't write. Haven't touched my journal, haven't signed on here. It's too much. I can't think about anything because it makes me shake. Having so many things that scare me happening right now. I go from dazed to sick, numb to terrified. I'm scared.

Uncertainty

I've been crying like crazy for the last week or so. I don't remember the last time I've cried this badly. Terrified of what this means, because I really just don't know.

One year older

It's my birthday. Some things were good. Most things were awful. Is it sad that I don't expect much else anymore?

Keep Breathing

This week has been awful, unbelievably awful, and I didn't think it could get any worse... it's my fucking birthday this weekend, too. I'm always a mess on my birthday but I didn't expect the rest of the week to be as horrible as it's been. Just breathing, listening to music, and breathing some more. One moment at a time, I guess.

Insomnia, part two

I've been unable to sleep lately. I'm tired, but I can't fall asleep... sleep only comes when I hit the point of exhaustion, which I'm nearing now. I'm half awake and need to get up in about six hours, but I can't bring myself to actually go to bed. I've been afraid lately, and there's just been that ache in my stomach, the one that never really goes away, and it's been so strong lately... I feel like I'm waiting for something to happen. Maybe that's why I can't sleep. Because when I feel this way, something usually does. And that's terrifying.

PostSecret

I read PostSecret all the time. Mostly the books, by now I've read all of them I'm sure. Sometimes I check the website. I don't know why I do, maybe it's because I'm like so many other people who are both amazed by and connected to what people write. I've never sent one in. I've thought about it. I've written them. I even carried one to the post office with me, but I couldn't send it. To be honest, I'm not sure what I'd write. My secrets aren't "pure" in the sense that I've told no one; there are a few people who know bits and pieces of them. They know of a single incident or just that I have a history. But not a soul knows the entire story, my entire fucking childhood. Maybe they never will.

But anytime I see one even remotely hinting at abuse, I feel like it could be mine.

But I still don't send one. I can't do it. I break down because when I think about it, it's more than I can handle. Sometimes I wonder if I won't even begin to heal until I do.

alone

I've been fiercely afraid lately. I know why. It's the end of July, which is a huge anniversary for me. But that doesn't make it better, knowing why I'm scared and sad. I'm just caught up in it all, my days have been just going through the motions and my nights have been a blur of music and sleeplessness. I feel so alone, I have so few people I can talk to, and even those I can don't know the full extent of what it feels like. I know I'm protecting myself but it's more than I can handle. So I turn on something, anything, and hope I survive the night. Funny, I've spent years thinking the exact same thing.

Insomnia

I'm exhausted but there's no way I can sleep right now. I can go through my day and be fine, functional, but as soon as it's night and I get the chance to think, everything comes crashing down around me again. I'm blogging because it's the only thing I can bring myself to do right now. I'm tired of being scared, but I know that it's what I have to live with. I've been given a life sentence of sleepless nights.

I'm sure they sleep just fine.

Honestly

These last few days have been hell, I don't think I've ever felt so alone in my life.

July 14th, 2011

so this is what it comes down to now
just me and you alone again
you look me up and down
and I cringe, visibly recoil
you smirk at me in that way you have
I can almost feel your breath
your hands touching my hair
while your hurt me
I look away, my eyes drill deep into the dirty concrete
but you don't
you don't have to say anything
I can tell what you're thinking
it makes me wish I was dead
I can't stand up to you
not like this
not alone, not when you're sitting
in one of the places where you destroyed me
not that I ever will be able to
and you just smile
like you did then
and you know I know
that you could do it again.

The tears finally come on the way home.

a functional disaster

That point where no one around you can even begin to understand what it feels like, that's being broken. When you've got nothing to look forward to but a long night of fear. When all you really want is a moment of peace, but you'll never get it.

and you've washed your hands clean of this

I just can't stop thinking about it. I'm scared of everything right now. I've been here so many times before but somehow this is worse. It's like that moment of being alone with him reminded me just how much someone can still do to me. And it didn't even affect him, seeing me. I think he fucking enjoyed it.

well fuck

It happened again today. He was in a different car, but he saw me and he just smirked. I didn't cry, I just went numb. I stopped feeling since yesterday. I spent most of last night curled up and hurting, and I know tonight is going to be the same. I know I should expect to see him but every time I do, no matter what the circumstances, it still feels like my world comes crashing down around me and there's nothing I can do to stop it, nothing I can do to stop him. I can't even drive in my own neighborhood without being reminded of what he did. But seeing him is something else, it pulls me right back there and he can do whatever the fuck he wants to me and I don't have a choice.

I am so sick to my stomach right now, shaking hard. Tonight is going to be an awful night.

and I sang holy holy

I saw him today. In a fucking parking garage, of all places. I knew from the second I saw that fucking blue truck that it was him. I wanted to run, but I couldn't. I was too scared and that irrational part of me didn't want to attract attention, either. I thought I could make it to my car, just get in and it would be okay. He pulled in the parking spot directly in front of me and gave me that look that sick sick sick smile and said hello. Like he's done so many times, walking his fucking dogs. Like it's nothing. And I froze. The shaking started. I felt like I was dying right there in front of the man who had taken everything from me. And he just smiled at me. That smile, that one that told me he owned me, he still owns me even if it's been four years since he last fucked me. I could tell he was remembering how it felt, and I was shaking there under his gaze like he was going to do it again.

I was in shock until I got half way home. Then I couldn't stop crying. I turned up the radio so no one could hear me cry, and I sobbed. Now I'm just empty, shaking, lost and alone and I can't do anything but listen to music and hope it doesn't rip me apart. I think it already has. I should have known I'd see him. But he could have done whatever he wanted to me in that parking garage. I was alone. He is still so much bigger than I am, and I am still terrified of him. It would have been so easy. It would have been nothing for him, like it was all those times before when he held me down and hurt me hurt me hurt me. It was so dangerous there, I know he would punish me given the chance. I'm so scared now, I just can't stop shaking. I'm so vulnerable. I don't think I'm going to feel safe for a long time.

survival mode

I've been barely here lately. I had a flashback two weeks ago because of my surgery, and there's something else related to that that's terrifying me, too... not to mention I've been so sensitive to my neck being touched lately, which comes and goes. Mostly it's the flashback, which was one of the shittiest ones I've had in recent memory. That, and everything else, which I've been unable to even think about lately.

So I've been hardly here.

breathe in sanctuary

well she looked alright by the dawn's early light

I wish I could enjoy today. Be happy, carefree. And I was, at least for a while, even if I was really just distracted. I can't ever really be happy on the 4th of July like so many people can, can't go outside, can't light off fireworks and pretend that I am okay and have nothing to worry about.

Because today is Independence Day. Today is an anniversary day for me, one of so many awful anniversaries I have. Today I am hurting. Lost. Broken. Aren't I always?

I hate surgery

I had to have oral surgery today with general anesthesia.

I was sobbing when they put the IV in me. Not because I was scared for the surgery, but because they weren't telling me what they were doing. Because I knew I was going to lose the next half and hour or so and I would have no idea what anyone was doing to me while I was out. Because that is the most terrifying thing I can imagine. So to calm me down the surgeon gave me laughing gas, thinking he was helping me relax, but putting something over my nose just made it worse.

The sad part was, I was just embarrassed. Embarrassed I was a fucking mess. Ashamed that I broke down right there as I drifted off and couldn't stop. Ashamed that my shit comes and fucks everything up, and I can't even have the types of problems normal people do when they have surgery. It's something so much worse. And it was fucking dental surgery, the one of the worst fucking types of surgery I can imagine myself having to have.

I'm okay. I should recover. I'm popping painkillers, but it's not the pain that bothers me. It's how afraid I am of not remembering, because only awful shit happens when I don't remember.

these precious things

I've been an empty girl. I hate Father's Day.

because I can't not

I am such a fucking mess right now. I mean really, you would be amazed.

believe me adia

I just want to feel safe.

another betrayal

I had my trust violated in a major way yesterday, where someone intruded on what is basically the only safe space I have left. I can't write anymore because of that. I'm sorry, everyone, but I feel like I won't be posting on here for a while, until I can find some sense of safety again.

Healing thoughts to all of you.

just a little reprieve

I'm posting on here because I really just need a break, some alone time so I can cool off.

I've been fighting with everyone around me lately. I hate when that happens, but the people I've been around lately aren't good for me and I know that. There's just nothing I can do to change the situation right now. I've been on guard, which means my temper is short... and the fights just happen, because we've always fought. No one starts the fights, they just happen. I've been so numb lately and the little arguments, the passive-aggressiveness isn't making it any better... but I've just got to put up with it. I always do.

pain

You took things from me I didn't even know I had.

enough

I don't mean to write such horrible shit on here, but the truth is, I don't really have anything positive to say. This isn't here for that. It's supposed to be my space, a space I don't have anywhere else. I can't censor myself, I can't let myself do that again. I've even found journaling more difficult lately, but for some reason I can write on here. I don't understand that. Journaling is much safer to me, but maybe it's because right now even journaling isn't safe, because people can find journals. At least here I don't have to worry about that. But I still can't be entirely open here, where other people can read it. I'm scared to say anything about myself, because that will make me feel so vulnerable.

But the truth is that nothing I ever do will be enough.

surrendering

I need a release
something to let me breathe again
but nothing can stop it
I curl up tighter
trying to hold it all in
hold it all back
or am I protecting myself?
I don't even know anymore.
Trying to so hard not to let it show
until I'm alone, but then
it's more than I can handle
more than anyone could ever handle
so I let it all come crashing down around me
I don't have a choice.
Never did.
I close my eyes and
feel the sharp edges of
being
broken.

the truth about pain

I wish I didn't need to have a blog to put things like this down in writing. I wish I didn't have a story to tell. A long, complicated, awful, painful story that I have barely even begun to let myself acknowledge. But so many of us do. Buried so deep down we can can barely touch it, but it's there. And it'll come back. It always does.

I don't know why I'm here, other than I need somewhere to go when it becomes more than I can handle. When all the walls and masks I've created for myself in order to appear "fine" aren't enough to keep everything back anymore. When I can't hold it in. When I realize that where I've been is all that I am.

Because the truth is, I'm still hurting. And it's not going to stop.

here we go again

words come faster than I can handle
I can't stop the memories
I'm back there
lost
falling hard
caught up in what was
the images are like rain
drowning me
the fear chokes me, my body
tenses with the familiar pain
I can feel the tears being to burn
but no, I can't
I can't do this
I can't, no please don't make me
I don't know who I'm talking to anymore
where I am
just that there's a little girl
I try so hard to shut her up
make her stop screaming
but she won't
because she's
me.

right now

little and hardly here.

give me a light of some kind

I don't remember what hope is
what it feels like
how it feels to be whole.
all I know is that everything still hurts.

no escape

I wish I could run so
I couldn't feel it anymore
couldn't touch it, wouldn't have to
look at myself and
know
but there's no way I can do that.

it's written on my body
and the scars are
also under the surface
deeper than anyone could ever see
except I know they are there.

little girl who just wants safety
but instead finds pain
everywhere all at once
one night of real safety
but I never had that.

he never let me have it
like I was nothing
like I deserved everything
they were doing

I had always been told I was
good for nothing
that's why it was okay
for him to fuck me
because I didn't deserve anything
else.

everything he did
is who I am.

triggers

I hate it when the memories just creep up on you
from the most innocent of places
and then you're gone
trapped in the fear
even though you're safe now your body doesn't know
your mind doesn't know
because you're really never safe, anyway
so you slip deeper under until you
feel
nothing
except the things
he taught you to feel.

clearly I remember

I've having a really hard time being here right now.

I just reminded myself that I stopped blogging for a reason. Made the mistake of looking at some of the blogs used to follow. I cared pretty strongly for a lot of my fellow bloggers, and many are gone now, or in such very different places now that I can't even relate to them. More healed places. I haven't healed. I haven't even begun. But it's not just that. It's that being here reminds me of then, and things are becoming so twisted in my mind with time and place and I'm sick sick sick to my stomach right now. So sick and scared. Why am I so scared of being here? It's not as if I'm more unsafe now then I was then, but I feel like I am.

Maybe I'm scared to come back here because that means I'm going back to that place. I don't want to go back to how it was then. I stopped blogging so I could push it away and I've pushed it away, but it's coming back. I know that's coming back, because it always does-- I can't run from everything, no matter how hard I try. It'll always overtake me, because it is me. It's all I am. Writing just makes me acknowledge that I am broken. I can push the thoughts away during the day, but I can do that here, at night, alone and lost and hurting hurting hurting.

I don't know what to do anymore.

the aftermath

I'm sitting here trying to name what I'm feeling. I've tried to do this so many times.

It's always the same feeling: the deep, horrible ache in my stomach, the shaking, the tears threatening to fall (although I never cry. I can't cry.) and the helplessness, the endlessness. I've felt it so many times, and it always comes back. Always. I don't know what causes it, only that when I am in this place all I can do is turn on music, nothing else can comfort me. But right now I can't even do that. I can barely type right now, I'm hurting so much.

You know what it feels like? It's the aftermath of sexual assault.

There. I said it.

I have been done wrong

Rainy days like these remind me so much of this song.
Been listening to it on repeat all morning.

nowhere girl

I've just started crying and can't stop.
Just trying to keep breathing.
Inhale, exhale. Repeat.
God it hurts.

safety

I feel like nothing
worthless
cold lost and alone
like I always am
because even though last night was powerful
it's only one small moment of safety
I miss it
I need it
but I can't find it here.

Because if there's anything I've learned
all these years
it's that there's nowhere that's
safe.

funny how the cracks don't seem to show

I don't even know how I'm feeling
I'm barely present
unsure of where I just was-
at the time, I felt fine
maybe even okay for a few moments.
I didn't speak out
I'm not ready for that
but I think people could tell where I had been.
It was unimportant at the time,
now it scares me.
What if I run into them and they
break the illusion of being fine
I've spent so much time constructing?
My only means of survival anymore.
Because Take Back the Night is only one night of many
deep dark painful nights.
I don't know how I'm going to get through this.

But right now I'm just empty.

TBTN

I'm attending Take Back the Night tonight. It's a new rally for me, though, not the one I've been to in the past. I'm nervous. I'm always nervous, but I'm especially so because it's unfamiliar territory for me.

But part of that is relieving. Absolutely no one will know me there, and even though it's harder for me to go somewhere alone it's safer to me to be more anonymous. I've never spoken out at a rally before. Believe you me, I've wanted to, but I don't have the strength. I don't anticipate I will tonight. I'll bring a poem like I've done before, but it'll remain folded in my pocket, I'm sure. But that doesn't matter, I just need to be there. TBTN rallies are so triggering sometimes, but they are one of the few places where for a few moments I can feel real safety. Where I don't have to be apparently unaffected, where I can acknowledge my experiences and have others acknowledge them, too.

It's kind of sad, when you think about it- I'm so fucked up that a single night is one of the few things that can get me through a year. But if you've ever been to TBTN, you might understand the feeling.

Wish me luck.

I have writer's block

I don't want this to turn into a photo blog, but lately I've been unable to put what I'm feeling in words. I struggle with deciding if this will be a poetry [if whatever I have posted before can even be considered poetry] blog or a more conversational blog. I haven't even said anything about myself. I can't decide how. Maybe it's because I feel safer if I don't, if I just leave the words. I don't know what I need.

My former blog was a mixture of both, but my journal is almost entirely "poetry"-- and I'm much more private right now, so that form seems safer. More cryptic. I can't be detailed, I never have been able to speak. Not here, not in real life, not in writing, not aloud. I'm more expressive when I write the way I feel, but am also more likely to drop f-bombs and write horrible things about myself. Now, I absolutely love dropping f-bombs, but I'm not sure if people enjoy reading them.

But this is for me. I spend every day being "apparently unaffected", this is where I can drop that "everything's fine" bullshit I pull each and every day, because I have to pretend that I'm okay. This is my space.

I have to remember that.

shut up

My body’s a crime scene
it's all I've ever known
eventually it
became something I
deserved.
Because even though it hurt
at least it was attention
you're not even pretty
you're lucky I like you so much
he told me I wasn't worth it
that no one else cared
but he would put up with me.
And I believed him.

she was lying on the floor and counting stretch marks

When I think about it, I realize I haven't come that far since then.
I'm still angry, I'm still afraid
but mostly I'm still that same little girl
who didn't have a choice.
My years are written on my body but I think
the deeper scars are the ones under the surface
I trusted you you asshole
but you didn't care, you never did
you were hurting me but
eventually I stopped crying, eventually
I stopped feeling
and I haven't felt since.

Okay

I've been sitting here trying to write something half intelligible, and I can't think of a thing except this:

God, I feel like shit.

a few more bruises

I'm not mad

Not at all.
Not even a little bit.
Not for all the things you did, the things
you said to me. All those little things
I believed and
still believe about
myself.
No, I'm not mad.

I'm furious.