and you can't save me now

God, I'm so tired. I never sleep anymore. I don't cry. I haven't been able to cry in so long... I don't feel anything anymore. It's funny, I'm awake as if I'm upset, but I'm just broken and empty.

here in the dark

I take a deep breath and try to control the
ache in my stomach
that deep dark fear
familiar and strange all at once-
I haven't felt this at this time of night in awhile.
Familiar surroundings and familiar pain
I crawl inside myself again
no sleeping tonight
no solace
nothing
there never was any and there will
never be any safety.
I close my eyes and hope it'll be over soon
but the pain just gets worse and worse
I fear the paralysis, I fear the memories of
touch and fear and cold, unfeeling hands
of hate and bruises and tears
of my silent screams and pleading voice that eventually
stopped, since words never matter
I fear everything, I can't control it anymore
just a little girl awake and shaking in the dark
trying so hard not to cry
trying so hard not to breathe
I hold on tight as the images fall
breathing
waiting.
It never ends.

this is why I'm scared right now

I had a body memory/flashback episode last night. One of the worst I've ever had. The scariest part was during it, I was paralyzed, especially from the waist down. I would try to move and nothing would happen, I just tensed tighter and tried to make myself as small as possible.

It hurt so badly. I had a little bit of a flashback but mostly it was just physical. I've never felt that before. I'm scared it will happen again. It was terrifying.

I'm scared it's a sign that there's more to come.

she dreams in red

I close my eyes and try not to remember everything
that was ever done to me
try not to remember what it feels like
but I can't.
It's kinda funny
I don't have emotions anymore
just images
it's strange
like it's happening to someone else
except she's me.
I don't know who she is.

I don't know who I am.

as things go

I've forgotten about writing
about feeling
I've forgotten about much of anything
just breathe in and out
and hunger pangs
I've forgotten everything
how to be a person
who feels emotions
I've forgotten how to write
this blog
my journal
I've forgotten
that I'm alive.

she feels nothing

I just want to slip away
disappear
it's all too much to handle right now
this numbness
this nothingness
it's sad, really, how much I long to be miserable
because if I am miserable
at least I am alive
if I am hurting
at least I am human
if I feeling emotion
at least it is real.
I long to go back to when it
was all I could think about
because at least then I knew who I was. What I was dealing with.

When you're hurting all you want to be is numb.
When you're numb, all you want to be is hurting.

I can still hear you

Take Back the Night

I didn't get there until late. I didn't get much breathing time, but it was so powerful. It's over now. All I want to do is go back. It's all I need, just a few hours of real safety. A few hours of feeling real, feeling emotion. I haven't felt emotion in so long, I'm so dead. It's the only thing that keeps me from being dead. I'd rather be miserable than empty, I'd rather feel anything than nothing.

I don't really have any words right now. But this is kind of what it feels like.

tomorrow

Tomorrow is Take Back The Night. Or, well, today. I haven't slept yet.

I don't know how I'm feeling. I'm just breathing. I'm anxious and excited and hopeful and scared and just hoping that it will be what I need right now, because I need it so badly. I need it so much I could cry. I need that one night of release, that only comes after TBTN. So much.