and so it goes and goes

 and I am not so awake and not so aware now

some things are different but they are mostly the same

I wish I had never deleted my old blog. I want to figure out what I used to think and what I used it feel

I can’t remember I can’t remember 

and do you know and do you

can you remember?

do you know?

something else
something deeper and darker
I do not close my eyes
because I don't want to know

I remember
I remember
nothing at all

don't mind our staring

I want to know the reason
I am still here

dissolving slowly

I want to know why I haven't had a reason to cry
in three years
until tonight

when the floodgates won't stop

I want to know why no one will believe me
in the darkness

insomnia part 6

when will I stop killing myself this way
never sleeping never dreaming
when will I let myself fall apart

but there is no one to catch me there is no one waiting
why do I feel like you are minimizing me
making me smaller

why am I suddenly so afraid
why do I want to be held

who am I kidding

I am not worthy

I am not good

useless trash red raw skin
it is your right your right
not my own

dissociation

I wonder what it's like

to have memories

to understand anything happening at all

to stay here and to not fall out of it all, out of touch with everything and nothing

just a vast sadness deep empty nothing

and I don't

I wish I could
I wish I could be honest with you

I want to tell you how much it hurts
when I go where I go
when all I can hear is the noise
in the back of my mind

I want to tell you that this week
I was driven to tears
that I wanted to hurt
that I wanted to stop

I wanted to tell you I needed you
I was so afraid
I am always so afraid

I don't know I don't know I don't know
please don't ask

don't like this

I didn't mean to tell you the truth
I didn't mean to I didn't mean to
I hate crying especially when it feels like it's
bubbling up from somewhere

but right now I can't stop
like someone opened the door just a crack
and it's all starting to pour out

but I didn't even know it was there
I didn't even know it was

all I know is you always seem to ask the questions no one's asked me before
but I keep overthinking like it will never end