insomnia part 6

when will I stop killing myself this way
never sleeping never dreaming
when will I let myself fall apart

but there is no one to catch me there is no one waiting
why do I feel like you are minimizing me
making me smaller

why am I suddenly so afraid
why do I want to be held

who am I kidding

I am not worthy

I am not good

useless trash red raw skin
it is your right your right
not my own

dissociation

I wonder what it's like

to have memories

to understand anything happening at all

to stay here and to not fall out of it all, out of touch with everything and nothing

just a vast sadness deep empty nothing

and I don't

I wish I could
I wish I could be honest with you

I want to tell you how much it hurts
when I go where I go
when all I can hear is the noise
in the back of my mind

I want to tell you that this week
I was driven to tears
that I wanted to hurt
that I wanted to stop

I wanted to tell you I needed you
I was so afraid
I am always so afraid

I don't know I don't know I don't know
please don't ask