Insomnia

I'm exhausted but there's no way I can sleep right now. I can go through my day and be fine, functional, but as soon as it's night and I get the chance to think, everything comes crashing down around me again. I'm blogging because it's the only thing I can bring myself to do right now. I'm tired of being scared, but I know that it's what I have to live with. I've been given a life sentence of sleepless nights.

I'm sure they sleep just fine.

Honestly

These last few days have been hell, I don't think I've ever felt so alone in my life.

July 14th, 2011

so this is what it comes down to now
just me and you alone again
you look me up and down
and I cringe, visibly recoil
you smirk at me in that way you have
I can almost feel your breath
your hands touching my hair
while your hurt me
I look away, my eyes drill deep into the dirty concrete
but you don't
you don't have to say anything
I can tell what you're thinking
it makes me wish I was dead
I can't stand up to you
not like this
not alone, not when you're sitting
in one of the places where you destroyed me
not that I ever will be able to
and you just smile
like you did then
and you know I know
that you could do it again.

The tears finally come on the way home.

a functional disaster

That point where no one around you can even begin to understand what it feels like, that's being broken. When you've got nothing to look forward to but a long night of fear. When all you really want is a moment of peace, but you'll never get it.

and you've washed your hands clean of this

I just can't stop thinking about it. I'm scared of everything right now. I've been here so many times before but somehow this is worse. It's like that moment of being alone with him reminded me just how much someone can still do to me. And it didn't even affect him, seeing me. I think he fucking enjoyed it.

well fuck

It happened again today. He was in a different car, but he saw me and he just smirked. I didn't cry, I just went numb. I stopped feeling since yesterday. I spent most of last night curled up and hurting, and I know tonight is going to be the same. I know I should expect to see him but every time I do, no matter what the circumstances, it still feels like my world comes crashing down around me and there's nothing I can do to stop it, nothing I can do to stop him. I can't even drive in my own neighborhood without being reminded of what he did. But seeing him is something else, it pulls me right back there and he can do whatever the fuck he wants to me and I don't have a choice.

I am so sick to my stomach right now, shaking hard. Tonight is going to be an awful night.

and I sang holy holy

I saw him today. In a fucking parking garage, of all places. I knew from the second I saw that fucking blue truck that it was him. I wanted to run, but I couldn't. I was too scared and that irrational part of me didn't want to attract attention, either. I thought I could make it to my car, just get in and it would be okay. He pulled in the parking spot directly in front of me and gave me that look that sick sick sick smile and said hello. Like he's done so many times, walking his fucking dogs. Like it's nothing. And I froze. The shaking started. I felt like I was dying right there in front of the man who had taken everything from me. And he just smiled at me. That smile, that one that told me he owned me, he still owns me even if it's been four years since he last fucked me. I could tell he was remembering how it felt, and I was shaking there under his gaze like he was going to do it again.

I was in shock until I got half way home. Then I couldn't stop crying. I turned up the radio so no one could hear me cry, and I sobbed. Now I'm just empty, shaking, lost and alone and I can't do anything but listen to music and hope it doesn't rip me apart. I think it already has. I should have known I'd see him. But he could have done whatever he wanted to me in that parking garage. I was alone. He is still so much bigger than I am, and I am still terrified of him. It would have been so easy. It would have been nothing for him, like it was all those times before when he held me down and hurt me hurt me hurt me. It was so dangerous there, I know he would punish me given the chance. I'm so scared now, I just can't stop shaking. I'm so vulnerable. I don't think I'm going to feel safe for a long time.

survival mode

I've been barely here lately. I had a flashback two weeks ago because of my surgery, and there's something else related to that that's terrifying me, too... not to mention I've been so sensitive to my neck being touched lately, which comes and goes. Mostly it's the flashback, which was one of the shittiest ones I've had in recent memory. That, and everything else, which I've been unable to even think about lately.

So I've been hardly here.

breathe in sanctuary

well she looked alright by the dawn's early light

I wish I could enjoy today. Be happy, carefree. And I was, at least for a while, even if I was really just distracted. I can't ever really be happy on the 4th of July like so many people can, can't go outside, can't light off fireworks and pretend that I am okay and have nothing to worry about.

Because today is Independence Day. Today is an anniversary day for me, one of so many awful anniversaries I have. Today I am hurting. Lost. Broken. Aren't I always?