despite my best intentions

I think I wonder I think I would like to
disappear from
here

on days like these starts me thinking
come on

come on

l

small disasters

I am still waiting for something to be something I can feel again
I do feel everything and I feel nothing

it's all happened to me before

a place beyond emotion

beyond all hope

nothing but the dense heavy weight on my chest and the
fear

of wanting to get away to push away

of not being able to of not having a choice of not
wanting to but wanting to twist and turn and writh away

of standing alone as something awful looms over you

that you will lie down and you will not say a word
that your throat will close up that you cannot escape
that you can't breath deeply

that the hurt is there circling like a predator like you are the prey the catch that you are the nightmare that wakes you up
at night

that keeps you from breathing
screaming

run run run run
you filthy little slut

you trash heap garbage child slut whore

what choice do you have

it's better to feel pain than nothing at all

I have such a difficult relationship with my day-to-day life. I wouldn't say that it's not there - oh no - instead it's just waiting, locked in its box, rattling the lock. Sometimes I feel strange, awful, for not feeling it more

but that's my problem, I don't feel

I only feel at certain times and certain places and around certain people and when I'm not there I just can't do it. I feel half alive this way.

I wonder what would happen if I tried to go there on my own, but I'm afraid I wouldn't return.

trust

you have opened the door to a blast furnace

(but you know that)

I feel something like the truth

curling and curling around my heart with 

razor-wire sharp

teeth/claws

I do not resist this time

because this feels like something

at least something is not nothing

you are safe enough

for now

do I trust you?

it's not so much trust as it is 

compulsion

deliver me from this nightmare of nothingness

sweet soft

sacrilegious sadness

I do not know where this will lead

a precipice of horror

but at least it is

somewhere 

Take Back the Night

I miss you I miss you I miss you

The only true safe space I have ever known, the first place where I could hold my head up in the night, and I can't see you now.

Too much danger to get there, too much uncertainty
I feel that I did not try enough
as if I did not care enough

but I do care
I care more than I let myself realize

I do not understand the role I am supposed to play here

at this particular time

how do you tell a 13 year old girl she's supposed to go to work?

(am I 13 for good?)